Night One, the beginning of ALZ

Guilt is setting in - not sure if I can do this.  I know its all in my head.  I can and will pull myself together but my heart was breaking last night.


Anyone who knows me or my family will know that we are chatty - hell my mother would always talk to people standing in line near her when I was growing up and it used to mortify me.  Now I do the same in return to my daughter!  To sit next to her and have her quiet kills me.


Any caregiver will tell you that you will always second guess yourself - and officially a month into this and I can't count how many times I've done it.  Its a full time job and I wonder how I'm going to pull it off with a FULL TIME job, two kids and a husband.


We saw a second nursing home yesterday, one that also has a day program and I felt like God was leading me to an answer.  I was desperate and Hubs suggested looking up the home he used to work in (doing security at night to pay for our wedding) - two clicks and the adult program was staring me in the face.  A possible answer to my prayers.


After leaving the home we picked mom up and brought her to our house - she was quiet all evening.  Went to bed, got up.  Went to bed, off to the bathroom.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Sat on the couch and told me maybe this wasn't a good idea and she should sleep at home from now own :(  Her knitting does seem to be a life saver and helps alleviate the anxiety.  I don't want to see her doped up but I think that the doctor needs to give her more anti-anxiety meds, especially if we do end up moving her to our home.


It sounds cruel to say, but since things are progressing so fast I almost hope she'd qualify for the nursing home sooner rather than later.  Anything I've read has said keep to routine, keep to the familiar.  Could moving her to our home only to go to a nursing home be harder? Unfortunately there is no way to know - there goes that second guessing again.


I'd like to say maybe tonight will be better, but I know not to get my hopes up.  I'm reading Staying Afloat in a Sea of Forgetfulness.  The author was his father's caretaker and talked about how he had to become such a light sleeper because dad would wonder.  Last night I had a glimpse of that world ....