Guilt is setting in - not sure if I can do this. I know its all in my head. I can and will pull myself together but my heart was breaking last night.
Anyone who knows me or my family will know that we are chatty - hell my mother would always talk to people standing in line near her when I was growing up and it used to mortify me. Now I do the same in return to my daughter! To sit next to her and have her quiet kills me.
Any caregiver will tell you that you will always second guess yourself - and officially a month into this and I can't count how many times I've done it. Its a full time job and I wonder how I'm going to pull it off with a FULL TIME job, two kids and a husband.
We saw a second nursing home yesterday, one that also has a day program and I felt like God was leading me to an answer. I was desperate and Hubs suggested looking up the home he used to work in (doing security at night to pay for our wedding) - two clicks and the adult program was staring me in the face. A possible answer to my prayers.
After leaving the home we picked mom up and brought her to our house - she was quiet all evening. Went to bed, got up. Went to bed, off to the bathroom. Repeat. Repeat. Sat on the couch and told me maybe this wasn't a good idea and she should sleep at home from now own :( Her knitting does seem to be a life saver and helps alleviate the anxiety. I don't want to see her doped up but I think that the doctor needs to give her more anti-anxiety meds, especially if we do end up moving her to our home.
It sounds cruel to say, but since things are progressing so fast I almost hope she'd qualify for the nursing home sooner rather than later. Anything I've read has said keep to routine, keep to the familiar. Could moving her to our home only to go to a nursing home be harder? Unfortunately there is no way to know - there goes that second guessing again.
I'd like to say maybe tonight will be better, but I know not to get my hopes up. I'm reading Staying Afloat in a Sea of Forgetfulness. The author was his father's caretaker and talked about how he had to become such a light sleeper because dad would wonder. Last night I had a glimpse of that world ....
Friday, December 19, 2014
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Blessed With The Family I Have
In spite of all the craziness in life, the craziness of the holidays, I need to take a minute to recognize how truly bless I am, and we are, as a family.
This blog was started to chronicle TTC our first child together. Girly Girl was a surprise in a previous relationship - but the best surprise one could ever ask for. I know we were blessed in that it did not take AS long as it has taken some others, but that didn't make each negative pregnancy test any easier.
Little Man was born and we were overjoyed. Thing is, he was supposed to have a twin so that first Christmas was so hard. It was amazing to see him watch the lights and all but my heart continuously looked around for that other baby. Our "B". Each year has gotten a little easier but the ache is still there.
But I know I'm lucky and blessed - I get to shop for and watch two children enjoy opening presents on Christmas morning. Not every woman gets that. Too many have empty arms and hearts that are just waiting to be filled with the joy that only a child can bring.
So this Christmas when you see a couple without children be extra nice to them and never assume they have chosen to be childless.
For more information check out this blog: http://www.thecarrycamp.com/?p=370
This blog was started to chronicle TTC our first child together. Girly Girl was a surprise in a previous relationship - but the best surprise one could ever ask for. I know we were blessed in that it did not take AS long as it has taken some others, but that didn't make each negative pregnancy test any easier.
Little Man was born and we were overjoyed. Thing is, he was supposed to have a twin so that first Christmas was so hard. It was amazing to see him watch the lights and all but my heart continuously looked around for that other baby. Our "B". Each year has gotten a little easier but the ache is still there.
But I know I'm lucky and blessed - I get to shop for and watch two children enjoy opening presents on Christmas morning. Not every woman gets that. Too many have empty arms and hearts that are just waiting to be filled with the joy that only a child can bring.
So this Christmas when you see a couple without children be extra nice to them and never assume they have chosen to be childless.
For more information check out this blog: http://www.thecarrycamp.com/?p=370
Monday, December 15, 2014
Switching Places With Your Parent
As an only child you know the time will eventually come where you have to carry the load yourself and switch roles from being the "child" to being the "parent". But its not something you can ever truly be prepared for. Even as the parent gets older, you know the time is sooner rather than later, yet you don't want to believe it will happen. It does. And let me tell you, this is when being an only child truly sucks. More than you'll ever know if you aren't an "only".
My mom is in her early 80s (she'd kill me if she knew I wrote that so I REALLY won't write the specific number lol) and over the last five years I've noticed changes. She'd forget things here and there but it was nothing major. In the last year there has been a big difference and "the switch flipped" about a month ago. I seem to be always referring to the switch to place a time on when things drastically changed. Its something that has always been my fear because her sister was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's (and not the only one in the family). I write about the family connection because I really wonder about genetics. "They" say it doesn't play a part, but I don't know that I believe that. Of course that leads me to worry about the position my kids will be in with me down the road. Those are thoughts I have to put out of my head for now.
The "switch" happened like this .. I was at a doctor's appointment and missed a call from her. When I called her back she said she had been feeling "weird" but was ok now so never mind. K and I tried to call her back and she never answered which obviously scared the hell out of me. Eventually we found out she went for coffee with a neighbor/friend who was helping calm her down. A call was made to her primary doctor who asked her all the "usual" questions to see how far along she was with things. An appointment was then made for 12/23 with the neuro institute at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital - a day which can't come fast enough for me.
Since then there have been good days and bad days, although lately it feels more like bad moments and good moments. We have had a few times where she's called me very upset and confused. I can't imagine what that must feel like to her.
I get to make all the decisions and I am constantly second guessing myself. Hubs suggests we move her to live with us but everything I've read says that could do more harm than good.
We looked at a nursing home recently. It wasn't bad. But I couldn't believe this is where we are headed. My mom has always been so strong and independent that the idea of being dependent on me is so foreign. Once we were outside and on our way back to the car I had a break down. I have to say I'm truly blessed to have Hubs in my life because he quickly stepped up to the plate and said everything I needed/wanted to hear.
I'm checking out another home this week - it has an adult day care program that provides transportation. The idea of having someone in for a few hours in the evening hasn't gone over well but I need to keep pushing that.
My mom is in her early 80s (she'd kill me if she knew I wrote that so I REALLY won't write the specific number lol) and over the last five years I've noticed changes. She'd forget things here and there but it was nothing major. In the last year there has been a big difference and "the switch flipped" about a month ago. I seem to be always referring to the switch to place a time on when things drastically changed. Its something that has always been my fear because her sister was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's (and not the only one in the family). I write about the family connection because I really wonder about genetics. "They" say it doesn't play a part, but I don't know that I believe that. Of course that leads me to worry about the position my kids will be in with me down the road. Those are thoughts I have to put out of my head for now.
The "switch" happened like this .. I was at a doctor's appointment and missed a call from her. When I called her back she said she had been feeling "weird" but was ok now so never mind. K and I tried to call her back and she never answered which obviously scared the hell out of me. Eventually we found out she went for coffee with a neighbor/friend who was helping calm her down. A call was made to her primary doctor who asked her all the "usual" questions to see how far along she was with things. An appointment was then made for 12/23 with the neuro institute at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital - a day which can't come fast enough for me.
Since then there have been good days and bad days, although lately it feels more like bad moments and good moments. We have had a few times where she's called me very upset and confused. I can't imagine what that must feel like to her.
I get to make all the decisions and I am constantly second guessing myself. Hubs suggests we move her to live with us but everything I've read says that could do more harm than good.
We looked at a nursing home recently. It wasn't bad. But I couldn't believe this is where we are headed. My mom has always been so strong and independent that the idea of being dependent on me is so foreign. Once we were outside and on our way back to the car I had a break down. I have to say I'm truly blessed to have Hubs in my life because he quickly stepped up to the plate and said everything I needed/wanted to hear.
I'm checking out another home this week - it has an adult day care program that provides transportation. The idea of having someone in for a few hours in the evening hasn't gone over well but I need to keep pushing that.
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