Night One, the beginning of ALZ

Guilt is setting in - not sure if I can do this.  I know its all in my head.  I can and will pull myself together but my heart was breaking last night.


Anyone who knows me or my family will know that we are chatty - hell my mother would always talk to people standing in line near her when I was growing up and it used to mortify me.  Now I do the same in return to my daughter!  To sit next to her and have her quiet kills me.


Any caregiver will tell you that you will always second guess yourself - and officially a month into this and I can't count how many times I've done it.  Its a full time job and I wonder how I'm going to pull it off with a FULL TIME job, two kids and a husband.


We saw a second nursing home yesterday, one that also has a day program and I felt like God was leading me to an answer.  I was desperate and Hubs suggested looking up the home he used to work in (doing security at night to pay for our wedding) - two clicks and the adult program was staring me in the face.  A possible answer to my prayers.


After leaving the home we picked mom up and brought her to our house - she was quiet all evening.  Went to bed, got up.  Went to bed, off to the bathroom.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Sat on the couch and told me maybe this wasn't a good idea and she should sleep at home from now own :(  Her knitting does seem to be a life saver and helps alleviate the anxiety.  I don't want to see her doped up but I think that the doctor needs to give her more anti-anxiety meds, especially if we do end up moving her to our home.


It sounds cruel to say, but since things are progressing so fast I almost hope she'd qualify for the nursing home sooner rather than later.  Anything I've read has said keep to routine, keep to the familiar.  Could moving her to our home only to go to a nursing home be harder? Unfortunately there is no way to know - there goes that second guessing again.


I'd like to say maybe tonight will be better, but I know not to get my hopes up.  I'm reading Staying Afloat in a Sea of Forgetfulness.  The author was his father's caretaker and talked about how he had to become such a light sleeper because dad would wonder.  Last night I had a glimpse of that world ....

Blessed With The Family I Have

In spite of all the craziness in life, the craziness of the holidays, I need to take a minute to recognize how truly bless I am, and we are, as a family.


This blog was started to chronicle TTC our first child together.  Girly Girl was a surprise in a previous relationship - but the best surprise one could ever ask for.  I know we were blessed in that it did not take AS long as it has taken some others, but that didn't make each negative pregnancy test any easier.


Little Man was born and we were overjoyed.  Thing is, he was supposed to have a twin so that first Christmas was so hard.  It was amazing to see him watch the lights and all but my heart continuously looked around for that other baby.  Our "B".  Each year has gotten a little easier but the ache is still there.


But I know I'm lucky and blessed - I get to shop for and watch two children enjoy opening presents on Christmas morning.  Not every woman gets that.  Too many have empty arms and hearts that are just waiting to be filled with the joy that only a child can bring. 


So this Christmas when you see a couple without children be extra nice to them and never assume they have chosen to be childless.


For more information check out this blog:  http://www.thecarrycamp.com/?p=370

Switching Places With Your Parent

As an only child you know the time will eventually come where you have to carry the load yourself and switch roles from being the "child" to being the "parent".  But its not something you can ever truly be prepared for.  Even as the parent gets older, you know the time is sooner rather  than later, yet you don't want to believe it will happen.  It does.  And let me tell you, this is when being an only child truly sucks.  More than you'll ever know if you aren't an "only".


My mom is in her early 80s (she'd kill me if she knew I wrote that so I REALLY won't write the specific number lol) and over the last five years I've noticed changes.  She'd forget things here and there but it was nothing major.  In the last year there has been a big difference and "the switch flipped" about a month ago.  I seem to be always referring to the switch to place a time on when things drastically changed.  Its something that has always been my fear because her sister was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's (and not the only one in the family).  I write about the family connection because I really wonder about genetics.  "They" say it doesn't play a part, but I don't know that I believe that.  Of  course that leads me to worry about the position my kids will be in with me down the road.  Those are thoughts I have to put out of my head for now.


The "switch" happened like this .. I was at a doctor's appointment and missed a call from her.  When I called her back she said she had been feeling "weird" but was ok now so never mind.  K and I tried to call her back and she never answered which obviously scared the hell out of me.  Eventually we found out she went for coffee with a neighbor/friend who was helping calm her down.  A call was made to her primary doctor who asked her all the "usual" questions to see how far along she was with things.  An appointment was then made for 12/23 with the neuro institute at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital - a day which can't come fast enough for me. 


Since then there have been good days and bad days, although lately it feels more like bad moments and good moments.  We have had a few times where she's called me very upset and confused.  I can't imagine what that must feel like to her.


I get to make all the decisions and I am constantly second guessing myself.  Hubs suggests we move her to live with us but everything I've read says that could do more harm than good.


We looked at a nursing home recently.  It wasn't bad.  But I couldn't believe this is where we are headed.  My mom has always been so strong and independent that the idea of being dependent on me is so foreign.  Once we were outside and on our way back to the car I had a break down.  I have to say I'm truly blessed to have Hubs in my life because he quickly stepped up to the plate and said everything I needed/wanted to hear.


I'm checking out another home this week - it has an adult day care program that provides transportation.  The idea of having someone in for a few hours in the evening hasn't gone over well but I need to keep pushing that.

Top Movies & Date Nights Ahead

Following friends of ours I think I'm going to institute date night at least 2x a month with hubby where we will make our way though the AMC top 100 Movies of All Time.

1. The Godfather Series
2. The Shawshank Redemption
3. Star Wars Series
4. Psycho
5. Casablanca
6. Rearwindow
7. Its a Wonderful Life
8. Citizen Kane
9. Shindlers List
10. The Wizard of Oz
11. North by Northwest
12. Pulp Fiction
13. Gone With the Wind
14. To Kill a Mockingbird
15. Vertigo
16. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
17. Jaws
18. Apocalypse Now
19. Taxi Driver
20. Ben-Hur
21. The Bridge on the River Kwai
22. E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial
23. Lawrence of Arabia
24. Singin' in the Rain
25. Raging Bull
26. The Maltese Falcon
27. The African Queen
28. King Kong
29. 2001: A Space Odyssey
30. The Grapes of Wrath
31. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
32. Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
33. High Noon
34. Some Like It Hot
35. Blade Runner
36. On the Waterfront
37. The Searchers
38. Notorious
39. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
40. Chinatown
41. Bonnie & Clyde
42. The Graduate
43. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre
44. Rebecca
45. West Side Story
46. Shane
47. Fantasia
48. All Quiet on the Western Front
49. A Streetcar Named Desire
50. Sunset Boulevard
51. Double Indemnity
52. Stagecoach
53. It Happened One Night
54. The Third Man
55. The Quiet Man
56. The Philadelphia Story
57. Rebel Without a Cause
58. The Adventures of Robin Hood
59. All About Eve
60. Red River
61. Roman Holiday
62. The Wild Bunch
63. The Big Sleep
64. Midnight Cowboy
65. Easy Rider
66. The Night of the Hunter
67. The Best Years of Our Lives
68. Bringing Up Baby
69. Touch of Evil
70. Duck Soup
71. My Darling Clementine
72. Yankee Doodle Dandy
73. Modern Times
74. Paths of Glory
75. Annie Hall
76. The Bride of Frankenstein
77. City Lights
78. The General
79. His Girl Friday
80. A Night at the Opera
81. Wuthering Heights
82. Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
83. Meet Me in St. Louis
84. The Gold Rush
85. An American in Paris
86. Top Hat
87. A Star Is Born
88. The Birth of a Nation
89. The Magnificent Ambersons
90. Out of the Past
91. The Lady Eve
92. 42nd Street
93. Sunrise
94. Ninotchka
95. Greed
96. Trouble in Paradise
97. Nashville
98. Letter from an Unknown Woman
99. The Crowd
100. Intolerance

Infertility Etiquette

I'll admit that when I have down time at work I roam various blogs.  One particular blog I go to is all about the new addition of their triplets (!) (who are gorgeous btw) but there is also a link to their fertility struggles.  In that link she posted a wonderful article on the topic.  I couldn't resist doing a cut and paste (thanks Jenny!) and sharing.  I know we were truly lucky in that our struggle wasn't as long as others have to deal with.  But it was a struggle nonetheless.  Even if you aren't TTC right now or have no fertility issues, its definately something you should read about.   I can't begin to tell you how many frustrating comments we received during our TTC time.

********************

Resolve: The National Infertility Association has this wonderful article on their site. I’d call it a must-read for all people, as infertility is likely to affect someone you know at some point in their life. Your awareness will help make their lives just that much easier.


Infertility Etiquette
By Vita Alligood

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn’t coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy’s nose and daddy’s eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user’s moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

■They will eventually conceive a baby.

■They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.

■They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don’t know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don’t Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she “relaxed.” Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of “relaxing” are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as “infertile” until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren’t infertile but just need to “relax.” Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as “just relax” or “try going on a cruise” create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, “If you just relaxed on a cruise . . .” Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don’t Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone’s life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, “Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.,” do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn’t tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father’s Day or Mother’s Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn’t even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don’t Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen


Along the same lines, don’t tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the “worst” thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the “worst” thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the “worst” thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the “worst” thing that could happen.

People wouldn’t dream of telling someone whose parent just died, “It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead.” Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don’t tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don’t Say They Aren’t Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, “Maybe God doesn’t intend for you to be a mother.” How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don’t you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn’t he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren’t religious, the “maybe it’s not meant to be” comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don’t Ask Why They Aren’t Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man’s sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, “Why don’t you just try IVF?” in the same casual tone they would use to ask, “Why don’t you try shopping at another store?”

There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.

IVF is Expensive with Low Odds

One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the “sure thing” rather then risking their money on much lower odds.

IVF is Physically Taxing

Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.

IVF Raises Ethical Issues

Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.

Don’t Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF

On the flip side of the coin, don’t offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.

If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don’t muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don’t yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can’t offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.

A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.

Don’t Play Doctor

Once your infertile friends are under a doctor’s care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren’t able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:

■Blocked fallopian tubes

■Cysts

■Endometriosis

■Low hormone levels

■Low “normal form” sperm count

■Low progesterone level

■Low sperm count

■Low sperm motility

■Thin uterine walls

Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an “expert” on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.

You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to “play doctor” with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.

Don’t Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don’t make crude jokes about your friend’s vulnerable position. Crude comments like “I’ll donate the sperm” or “Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination” are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don’t Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don’t put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, “I’d gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby.” When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, “I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes.”

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends’ new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend’s emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can’t bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn’t rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don’t Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don’t follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn’t ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let’s face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to “dream” about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don’t Gossip About Your Friend’s Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband’s sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend’s privacy, and don’t share any information that your friend hasn’t authorized.

Don’t Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a “stranger’s baby,” they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy’s eyes and Mommy’s nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, “Why do you want to adopt a baby?” Instead, the question was, “Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?” Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn’t her “own,” then adoption isn’t the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, “Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.”) However, “pushing” the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say “I am giving you this baby,” there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn’t your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren’t going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother’s Day

With all of the activity on Mother’s Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother’s Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother’s Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother’s Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven’t “forgotten” them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy’s nose and daddy’s eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don’t encourage them to try again, and don’t discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don’t try to open that chapter again.

Jen's own addition: Don’t apologize for any of these no-nos you’ve said in the past. If you’re still on good terms with the person, chances are they’ve moved on and chalked up your flub to non-infertile ignorance and have decided to forgive and forget. Don’t kill the forget part and make them relive the infertility faux pas.