Call it a mid-life crisis (I'm almost 44 mind you), just tired with life or being at a cross roads, but recently I've been feeling the need to make changes. I've been gravitating more towards "self help" and positive outlook books. Most recently I finished up The Energy Bus. I borrowed it from the library but I think I may order a hard copy for myself so I can highlight/mark up meaningful parts.
Hubs and I are also focused on making financial changes in our lives and have put ourselves on a tight budget. Goals have been set for the next year (the biggest being buying a house) and we are working on how to reach them.
In addition to these changes, I need to make changes for myself. Not just my mind, but my body as well.
I need to start working on myself not just as a wife and mom, but as a woman. As me. Too many times as a wife and mom we put everyone else's needs ahead of our own. I know, I know, this isn't news and I'm certainly not the first woman to say these things. But I'm losing myself. Well really, I've lost myself.
I'm not a very good writer and in fact most times I wonder what I AM good at. But I've promised myself I'm going to work at documenting this road we're on as a family and for myself.
How about a little about myself as I being this new journey .... I'm 44 years old. I've been married to Hubs for 7 years but we have known each other for a very long time before that. We often say a mutual friend of ours, who passed away 2 years before we began dating, brought us together. An angel on our side. Together we have two amazing little men and I have a beautiful grown teen from a prior relationship. I've worked as an assistant in a large law firm for 24 years. The people around me are great but as each year passes I feel like its not enough. But as we all know, the bills never stop coming. One goal in my life is to be able to provide for my family doing something meaningful.
Thursday, March 16, 2017
Monday, November 28, 2016
Giving Tuesday & Kimberly Williams Paisley
I've been reading Where the Light Gets In by Kimberly Williams Paisley. Her mom had Primary Progressive Aphasia which is a rare form of Dementia.
Seriously when I say I felt such a connection to Kim and her story - it isn't an overstatement. Even down to the personal stories about her moms behavior, I felt they were mine in similarity.
I feel like I finally am reading a book where someone GETS it.
That said, only tomorrow is Giving Tuesday. In reading Kim's book I began reading various sites (some I've already been to, but started reading in a different light) and it has made me appreciate what I have that much more. So after all the "thankfuls" of Thanksgiving, the shopping madness of Black Friday, let's remember to give back.
Some of my favorites are listed below:
St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital
Michael J. Fox Foundation
Alzheimer's Foundation
Seriously when I say I felt such a connection to Kim and her story - it isn't an overstatement. Even down to the personal stories about her moms behavior, I felt they were mine in similarity.
I feel like I finally am reading a book where someone GETS it.
That said, only tomorrow is Giving Tuesday. In reading Kim's book I began reading various sites (some I've already been to, but started reading in a different light) and it has made me appreciate what I have that much more. So after all the "thankfuls" of Thanksgiving, the shopping madness of Black Friday, let's remember to give back.
Some of my favorites are listed below:
St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital
Michael J. Fox Foundation
Alzheimer's Foundation
Sunday, November 20, 2016
Thanksgiving
Its a time for reflection on so many levels. We're all grateful for the obvious ... our family, our health. While I'm thankful for all that, to be honest I'm just thankful to have made it through another year.
Hubs and I have had our ups and downs, but that's marriage, right? For better or worse.
Its funny, when it comes to Big Sister, I've always said "i'm lucky in that we never seemed to hit the 'i hate you' stage in the life of a teen. That changed this year. Alot has changed in our relationship and I just hope and pray for the day when things will be good again.
The boys are such boys. I know some will cringe at that statement, but its true of mine. They are definitely boys boys. They love to rough and tumble. Tools. Trucks. Cars. Blocks. Now that Little Man is 1yo (where DID that first year go?!) they can play together to an extent. Little Man isn't physically that "little" so he has the upper hand at times, and Middle Man is gentle with him. Not always a good combo.
In the last year I have learned (moreso) that family isn't necessarily blood. And blood doesn't make you better. Blood doesn't guarantee you will have support when you need it most. You get help where ever you can.
In the last year Alzheimer's has managed to scare me more and more. I"m almost jealous of friends whose parents have passed because its worse to have my mom physically sitting there but its not her. There is a certain spot on my walk home where I used to call my mom to check in. I avoid that block as much as i can but sometimes I'm on auto pilot and I find myself there. The emotions are overwhelming. I missing being able to talk to her, especially now when life feels like a roller coaster.
When Big Sister was little I started to keep a journal for her. One day when I'm gone the book will be hers It started out as a project for her, but in time it came to be more for me. I'm thankfully I carried on the tradition for Middle Man, and now Little Man as well. I do have to get better at writing in them. If one day I'm not able to tell them their stories myself, at least they have my words to read.
I would be lying if it didn't scare the hell out of me each time I forget something. You would too if it affected you mom, her sister, possibly their mom and 2 of their cousins.
This year I am trying to focus more on the day, than the food. Its just us, which is something I treasure since the holidays can be so crazie. I've printed out some coloring sheets and crafts so in the afternoon after we've watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, we can have some together time.
What memories will you create and be Thankful for this year?
Hubs and I have had our ups and downs, but that's marriage, right? For better or worse.
Its funny, when it comes to Big Sister, I've always said "i'm lucky in that we never seemed to hit the 'i hate you' stage in the life of a teen. That changed this year. Alot has changed in our relationship and I just hope and pray for the day when things will be good again.
The boys are such boys. I know some will cringe at that statement, but its true of mine. They are definitely boys boys. They love to rough and tumble. Tools. Trucks. Cars. Blocks. Now that Little Man is 1yo (where DID that first year go?!) they can play together to an extent. Little Man isn't physically that "little" so he has the upper hand at times, and Middle Man is gentle with him. Not always a good combo.
In the last year I have learned (moreso) that family isn't necessarily blood. And blood doesn't make you better. Blood doesn't guarantee you will have support when you need it most. You get help where ever you can.
In the last year Alzheimer's has managed to scare me more and more. I"m almost jealous of friends whose parents have passed because its worse to have my mom physically sitting there but its not her. There is a certain spot on my walk home where I used to call my mom to check in. I avoid that block as much as i can but sometimes I'm on auto pilot and I find myself there. The emotions are overwhelming. I missing being able to talk to her, especially now when life feels like a roller coaster.
When Big Sister was little I started to keep a journal for her. One day when I'm gone the book will be hers It started out as a project for her, but in time it came to be more for me. I'm thankfully I carried on the tradition for Middle Man, and now Little Man as well. I do have to get better at writing in them. If one day I'm not able to tell them their stories myself, at least they have my words to read.
I would be lying if it didn't scare the hell out of me each time I forget something. You would too if it affected you mom, her sister, possibly their mom and 2 of their cousins.
This year I am trying to focus more on the day, than the food. Its just us, which is something I treasure since the holidays can be so crazie. I've printed out some coloring sheets and crafts so in the afternoon after we've watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, we can have some together time.
What memories will you create and be Thankful for this year?
Friday, December 19, 2014
Night One, the beginning of ALZ
Guilt is setting in - not sure if I can do this. I know its all in my head. I can and will pull myself together but my heart was breaking last night.
Anyone who knows me or my family will know that we are chatty - hell my mother would always talk to people standing in line near her when I was growing up and it used to mortify me. Now I do the same in return to my daughter! To sit next to her and have her quiet kills me.
Any caregiver will tell you that you will always second guess yourself - and officially a month into this and I can't count how many times I've done it. Its a full time job and I wonder how I'm going to pull it off with a FULL TIME job, two kids and a husband.
We saw a second nursing home yesterday, one that also has a day program and I felt like God was leading me to an answer. I was desperate and Hubs suggested looking up the home he used to work in (doing security at night to pay for our wedding) - two clicks and the adult program was staring me in the face. A possible answer to my prayers.
After leaving the home we picked mom up and brought her to our house - she was quiet all evening. Went to bed, got up. Went to bed, off to the bathroom. Repeat. Repeat. Sat on the couch and told me maybe this wasn't a good idea and she should sleep at home from now own :( Her knitting does seem to be a life saver and helps alleviate the anxiety. I don't want to see her doped up but I think that the doctor needs to give her more anti-anxiety meds, especially if we do end up moving her to our home.
It sounds cruel to say, but since things are progressing so fast I almost hope she'd qualify for the nursing home sooner rather than later. Anything I've read has said keep to routine, keep to the familiar. Could moving her to our home only to go to a nursing home be harder? Unfortunately there is no way to know - there goes that second guessing again.
I'd like to say maybe tonight will be better, but I know not to get my hopes up. I'm reading Staying Afloat in a Sea of Forgetfulness. The author was his father's caretaker and talked about how he had to become such a light sleeper because dad would wonder. Last night I had a glimpse of that world ....
Anyone who knows me or my family will know that we are chatty - hell my mother would always talk to people standing in line near her when I was growing up and it used to mortify me. Now I do the same in return to my daughter! To sit next to her and have her quiet kills me.
Any caregiver will tell you that you will always second guess yourself - and officially a month into this and I can't count how many times I've done it. Its a full time job and I wonder how I'm going to pull it off with a FULL TIME job, two kids and a husband.
We saw a second nursing home yesterday, one that also has a day program and I felt like God was leading me to an answer. I was desperate and Hubs suggested looking up the home he used to work in (doing security at night to pay for our wedding) - two clicks and the adult program was staring me in the face. A possible answer to my prayers.
After leaving the home we picked mom up and brought her to our house - she was quiet all evening. Went to bed, got up. Went to bed, off to the bathroom. Repeat. Repeat. Sat on the couch and told me maybe this wasn't a good idea and she should sleep at home from now own :( Her knitting does seem to be a life saver and helps alleviate the anxiety. I don't want to see her doped up but I think that the doctor needs to give her more anti-anxiety meds, especially if we do end up moving her to our home.
It sounds cruel to say, but since things are progressing so fast I almost hope she'd qualify for the nursing home sooner rather than later. Anything I've read has said keep to routine, keep to the familiar. Could moving her to our home only to go to a nursing home be harder? Unfortunately there is no way to know - there goes that second guessing again.
I'd like to say maybe tonight will be better, but I know not to get my hopes up. I'm reading Staying Afloat in a Sea of Forgetfulness. The author was his father's caretaker and talked about how he had to become such a light sleeper because dad would wonder. Last night I had a glimpse of that world ....
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Blessed With The Family I Have
In spite of all the craziness in life, the craziness of the holidays, I need to take a minute to recognize how truly bless I am, and we are, as a family.
This blog was started to chronicle TTC our first child together. Girly Girl was a surprise in a previous relationship - but the best surprise one could ever ask for. I know we were blessed in that it did not take AS long as it has taken some others, but that didn't make each negative pregnancy test any easier.
Little Man was born and we were overjoyed. Thing is, he was supposed to have a twin so that first Christmas was so hard. It was amazing to see him watch the lights and all but my heart continuously looked around for that other baby. Our "B". Each year has gotten a little easier but the ache is still there.
But I know I'm lucky and blessed - I get to shop for and watch two children enjoy opening presents on Christmas morning. Not every woman gets that. Too many have empty arms and hearts that are just waiting to be filled with the joy that only a child can bring.
So this Christmas when you see a couple without children be extra nice to them and never assume they have chosen to be childless.
For more information check out this blog: http://www.thecarrycamp.com/?p=370
This blog was started to chronicle TTC our first child together. Girly Girl was a surprise in a previous relationship - but the best surprise one could ever ask for. I know we were blessed in that it did not take AS long as it has taken some others, but that didn't make each negative pregnancy test any easier.
Little Man was born and we were overjoyed. Thing is, he was supposed to have a twin so that first Christmas was so hard. It was amazing to see him watch the lights and all but my heart continuously looked around for that other baby. Our "B". Each year has gotten a little easier but the ache is still there.
But I know I'm lucky and blessed - I get to shop for and watch two children enjoy opening presents on Christmas morning. Not every woman gets that. Too many have empty arms and hearts that are just waiting to be filled with the joy that only a child can bring.
So this Christmas when you see a couple without children be extra nice to them and never assume they have chosen to be childless.
For more information check out this blog: http://www.thecarrycamp.com/?p=370
Monday, December 15, 2014
Switching Places With Your Parent
As an only child you know the time will eventually come where you have to carry the load yourself and switch roles from being the "child" to being the "parent". But its not something you can ever truly be prepared for. Even as the parent gets older, you know the time is sooner rather than later, yet you don't want to believe it will happen. It does. And let me tell you, this is when being an only child truly sucks. More than you'll ever know if you aren't an "only".
My mom is in her early 80s (she'd kill me if she knew I wrote that so I REALLY won't write the specific number lol) and over the last five years I've noticed changes. She'd forget things here and there but it was nothing major. In the last year there has been a big difference and "the switch flipped" about a month ago. I seem to be always referring to the switch to place a time on when things drastically changed. Its something that has always been my fear because her sister was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's (and not the only one in the family). I write about the family connection because I really wonder about genetics. "They" say it doesn't play a part, but I don't know that I believe that. Of course that leads me to worry about the position my kids will be in with me down the road. Those are thoughts I have to put out of my head for now.
The "switch" happened like this .. I was at a doctor's appointment and missed a call from her. When I called her back she said she had been feeling "weird" but was ok now so never mind. K and I tried to call her back and she never answered which obviously scared the hell out of me. Eventually we found out she went for coffee with a neighbor/friend who was helping calm her down. A call was made to her primary doctor who asked her all the "usual" questions to see how far along she was with things. An appointment was then made for 12/23 with the neuro institute at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital - a day which can't come fast enough for me.
Since then there have been good days and bad days, although lately it feels more like bad moments and good moments. We have had a few times where she's called me very upset and confused. I can't imagine what that must feel like to her.
I get to make all the decisions and I am constantly second guessing myself. Hubs suggests we move her to live with us but everything I've read says that could do more harm than good.
We looked at a nursing home recently. It wasn't bad. But I couldn't believe this is where we are headed. My mom has always been so strong and independent that the idea of being dependent on me is so foreign. Once we were outside and on our way back to the car I had a break down. I have to say I'm truly blessed to have Hubs in my life because he quickly stepped up to the plate and said everything I needed/wanted to hear.
I'm checking out another home this week - it has an adult day care program that provides transportation. The idea of having someone in for a few hours in the evening hasn't gone over well but I need to keep pushing that.
My mom is in her early 80s (she'd kill me if she knew I wrote that so I REALLY won't write the specific number lol) and over the last five years I've noticed changes. She'd forget things here and there but it was nothing major. In the last year there has been a big difference and "the switch flipped" about a month ago. I seem to be always referring to the switch to place a time on when things drastically changed. Its something that has always been my fear because her sister was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's (and not the only one in the family). I write about the family connection because I really wonder about genetics. "They" say it doesn't play a part, but I don't know that I believe that. Of course that leads me to worry about the position my kids will be in with me down the road. Those are thoughts I have to put out of my head for now.
The "switch" happened like this .. I was at a doctor's appointment and missed a call from her. When I called her back she said she had been feeling "weird" but was ok now so never mind. K and I tried to call her back and she never answered which obviously scared the hell out of me. Eventually we found out she went for coffee with a neighbor/friend who was helping calm her down. A call was made to her primary doctor who asked her all the "usual" questions to see how far along she was with things. An appointment was then made for 12/23 with the neuro institute at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital - a day which can't come fast enough for me.
Since then there have been good days and bad days, although lately it feels more like bad moments and good moments. We have had a few times where she's called me very upset and confused. I can't imagine what that must feel like to her.
I get to make all the decisions and I am constantly second guessing myself. Hubs suggests we move her to live with us but everything I've read says that could do more harm than good.
We looked at a nursing home recently. It wasn't bad. But I couldn't believe this is where we are headed. My mom has always been so strong and independent that the idea of being dependent on me is so foreign. Once we were outside and on our way back to the car I had a break down. I have to say I'm truly blessed to have Hubs in my life because he quickly stepped up to the plate and said everything I needed/wanted to hear.
I'm checking out another home this week - it has an adult day care program that provides transportation. The idea of having someone in for a few hours in the evening hasn't gone over well but I need to keep pushing that.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Top Movies & Date Nights Ahead
Following friends of ours I think I'm going to institute date night at least 2x a month with hubby where we will make our way though the AMC top 100 Movies of All Time.
- The Godfather Series
- The Shawshank Redemption
- Star Wars Series
- Psycho
- Casablanca
- Rearwindow
- Its a Wonderful Life
- Citizen Kane
- Shindlers List
- The Wizard of Oz
- North by Northwest
- Pulp Fiction
- Gone With the Wind
- To Kill a Mockingbird
- Vertigo
- One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
- Jaws
- Apocalypse Now
- Taxi Driver
- Ben-Hur
- The Bridge on the River Kwai
- E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial
- Lawrence of Arabia
- Singin' in the Rain
- Raging Bull
- The Maltese Falcon
- The African Queen
- King Kong
- 2001: A Space Odyssey
- The Grapes of Wrath
- Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
- Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
- High Noon
- Some Like It Hot
- Blade Runner
- On the Waterfront
- The Searchers
- Notorious
- Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
- Chinatown
- Bonnie & Clyde
- The Graduate
- The Treasure of the Sierra Madre
- Rebecca
- West Side Story
- Shane
- Fantasia
- All Quiet on the Western Front
- A Streetcar Named Desire
- Sunset Boulevard
- Double Indemnity
- Stagecoach
- It Happened One Night
- The Third Man
- The Quiet Man
- The Philadelphia Story
- Rebel Without a Cause
- The Adventures of Robin Hood
- All About Eve
- Red River
- Roman Holiday
- The Wild Bunch
- The Big Sleep
- Midnight Cowboy
- Easy Rider
- The Night of the Hunter
- The Best Years of Our Lives
- Bringing Up Baby
- Touch of Evil
- Duck Soup
- My Darling Clementine
- Yankee Doodle Dandy
- Modern Times
- Paths of Glory
- Annie Hall
- The Bride of Frankenstein
- City Lights
- The General
- His Girl Friday
- A Night at the Opera
- Wuthering Heights
- Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
- Meet Me in St. Louis
- The Gold Rush
- An American in Paris
- Top Hat
- A Star Is Born
- The Birth of a Nation
- The Magnificent Ambersons
- Out of the Past
- The Lady Eve
- 42nd Street
- Sunrise
- Ninotchka
- Greed
- Trouble in Paradise
- Nashville
- Letter from an Unknown Woman
- The Crowd
- Intolerance
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)